Why do I have to accept my “higher power”? April 18, 2008

I went to a Families Anonymous meeting yesterday.  One of my best friends came with me.  She has a brother who is very similar to Glenn so it was good for her too.  It was nice to be around people that know what dealing with an addict is like.  I plan on at least going next week but I don’t feel like I am going to get anything out of it.  Even yesterday after the meeting so many people said “you are so far ahead of where I was when I joined the program.”  The other issue I have is that I don’t like how much of it revolves around God “as  you see him”.  At this point god is not part of my life and I am okay with that.  It’s difficult to accept everything else when that is an issue for me.  I was raised very religious and it was a horrible experience for me.  Life altering really.  I’m not prepared to have god in my life.

 

I spoke to Glenn’s counselor a few days ago.  Apparently the reason he has not responded to my letters is because he seems to think that I broke up with him.  That was not my intention but I am not going to correct it because I know it is something that I should do anyway.  I wanted him to hear and understand how awful this has been.  I wanted there to at least be some sort of dialog about the situation.  It seems like if he thought that I was breaking up with him, at the very least he wold have responded to acknowledge it.  His counselor said she was going to ask him why he hasn’t responded.  I guess if I don’t get a letter by the end of next week that will be the end of it.  She also said that they are tapering him off of all of his meds.  I expressed concern over that.  I have seen him not on his meds and it is horrible.  She made a great point though.  She pointed out that I have NEVER seen him not on his meds while he was clean and sober.  It is difficult for them to tell what his actual psychological state is.  They are going to take him off the meds and see how he does.  They will then reintroduce specific meds as they deem necessary.  I’m ok with that.  She also told me that they are recommending that he stay there until the end of the year.  I think it is the best idea ever but how in the world is that supposed to be paid for?  Maybe they have scholarships.

 

I actually get to talk to him! March 28, 2008

I spoke to Glenn’s counselor yesterday about our relationship.  I told her that he wrote me a letter and asked me to be as honest as possible about where I stand.  We discussed it a little and I told her that I am uncomfortable telling him everything through a letter.  That’s not fair to either one of us.  We have been together for too long for that to be acceptable.  So I am going to get to speak to him when she calls me next week.  We are going to have a conference call of sorts.  I guess I am going to tell him that I have to step back until he gets himself clean and together and then we can see how things are.  They are saying that he will be there probably for at least another 90 days.  That means that if I wanted him to come to my college graduation he couldn’t.  That makes me sad, but whats new?  This whole situation has made me intensely sad since it started.

A letter to Glenn in rehab. March 25, 2008

This is the first letter that I wrote to Glenn in rehab. 

Dear Glenn,

Hi baby!  I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure.  First of all, I miss you… madly.  I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that.  I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there.  I want you to recover so badly.  You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.

 I guess the next topic is the important one.  I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you.  I don’t think that is enough right now.  I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me.  Simply finding out that you were a heroin addict caused such a huge amount of turmoil for me, but it goes so far beyond that.  I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that every time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night for 2 weeks talking to you on the phone so that you don’t commit suicide or how terrible it is to be 2000 miles away making panicked phone calls to try and get you to a hospital before you bled to death.  These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me.  I’m a broken person.  At this point, I have nothing to give.  Not to you.  Not to anyone else. 

I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself.  I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that.  I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.

Glenn, I love you so much.  No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can.  I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible.  So here it is.

I love you so much.

Meg

I want my life to belong to me. March 1, 2008

I just recieved a packet of information from the rehab that Glenn is at.  I got so much angrier than is reasonable while I was reading through it.  I know that he is trying to get better and all but at this point I am so tired of dealing with this whole situation that I just don’t want to have to read 15 pages about Glenn’s treatment plan.  I don’t want to answer 5 pages of questions about Glenn’s addiction and how it has affected every area of his life and another 5 pages of questions about how Glenn’s addiction has affected every area of my life.  My whole fucking life is about Glenn.  I don’t even know if I exist outside of him.  He is everything that I have become.  We started dating when we were kids.  As we grew up, we became the people we are today with the other.  He is part of who I am.  But I just don’t want to do it any more.  I don’t want every breath I take to be about him.  I want my life to be mine, and no one elses. 

He is doing great! February 21, 2008

I didn’t write about my experience when I went to visit Glenn last weekend because I was unsure what to write.  I was there to do a family education program and only got to see Glenn for about 45 minutes in a family session with his counselor.  The instant he walked in I knew he was looking for a fight.  He was anticipating us bringing up the 3 month continuing care program in Florida.  As soon as it came up he went in to argument mode.  It was ridiculous.  He was saying that he had a bad experience so far with the facility he is at and he didn’t want to go to another place that was affiliated with it.  He swore he would go to another inpatient program that he chose.  Yeah right!  The three of us argued for a little while until, in true angry addict fashion, he stormed off.  I stayed and was speaking to his counselor on my own.  I had decided that was the last straw.  After about 15 minutes, he knocked on the door and came back in.  It was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen.  He walked in and said “I’m sorry for my behavior just now and I apologize for storming off like a 6 year old.  I got outside and I had a moment of clarity.  It was the first time since I have been in recovery that I was able to see myself and the situation through everyone elses eyes.  I will go to the aftercare program.”

 I was amazed.  It’s not like he had a couple of days to think about the things that were said and reconsider.  It was 15 minutes!  So we talked for a while and it was great.  The reason I was apprehensive about writing an entry about it is because it seemed to good to be true.  I expected him to change his mind about going and go back to the way he was.  Today I spoke to his counselor for the first time since Saturday and she said he has been doing amazing.  He is a model resident.  Apparently his moment of clarity was legitimate and long lasting.  He is even the community leader now, which means that he has to keep all the guys on schedule and moderate conflicts between them, etc.

It’s kind of amazing.  I have a difficult time getting to excited about it because I have been let down by him so many times but I am at least optimistic for the first time in a long while.

I was appalled. February 21, 2008

I had the most appalling experience yesterday.  I was having coffee with two friends and we stumbled on the topic of mental illness.  One of my friends has had very similar experiences as me with bipolar and severe depression affecting people in her life.  The other is 19 years old and has had some experience with what he calls mental illness.  I do not mean for this to sound patronizing but what you go through at 16 is not the same type of mental illness as someone who is 25 or 35.  When you are a teenager your body is going through a mini crisis  which affects everything you think and do.  So, we start talking about bipolar and he says “Bipolar shouldn’t be treated with medication.”  I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!  My other friend and I both stopped and stared at him him with the most confused looks on our faces.  He proceeded to say that he thinks that ALL mental illness can be treated with therapy, willpower, exercises, and good diet.  That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!  Over and over he kept saying “I got over severe depression” or “my ex-girlfriend is schizophrenic and she’s not on any meds and doing great.”  First of all, what you got over was NOT severe depression.  It was a really terrible time contributed to by hormonal changes.  Second,  if she was diagnosed when she was young and now is just fine, she was probably misdiagnosed.  He could not see outside of his own experience.  He said crazy things like “if people wanted to get better and had quality doctors, they could.”  SERIOUSLY?!?! 

I know that this is a horrible thing to say but I hope that at some point in his life he is affected by SEVERE mental illness so that he can understand.  I was so frustrated and disgusted that I ended up just exiting the conversation.

Going to see him. February 15, 2008

It’s strange that the post on here that I poured the most of myself into almost no one has read.  Go figure.  The letter I wrote to Glenn is what I am referring to.  I guess he read the letter this week.  Who knows how it made him feel.  I am going there tomorrow for a family education program.  We’ll see how that goes.

My conclusion. February 13, 2008

I keep trying to write new posts but it isn’t working out for me.  I realize that I don’t really have anything worth writing about.  There is nothing actively happening in my life.  I’m just quietly waiting for this situation to resolve.  I think the conclusion that I have come to is that no matter what he decides to do, I can not stay with him.  There is too much hurt, resentment, and anger.  I don’t want to have to carry that around with me.  He and I both need a fresh start.  We have been together since we were just kids.  We have become the adults we are because of each other.  As much as I have enjoyed much of our time and growth, I need and want to develop outside of him.  Who knows, maybe I’ll like the me with out him better.

I was speaking about this situation today and I realized that part of the reason I hate this situation so much is because I have no control over anything.  I have been forced in to a situation where all of my options are terrible.  When I really look at the situation I don’t even think that I can logically say that I even have two options.  It’s unreasonable to think that staying with him is even viable.  I hate that.  Since I was about 17 my life has been all set.  I was going to finish school, marry Glenn, and get a good job.  I was happy with that.  It’s really hard and terrifying to think that everything I thought my life was going to be has changed.  The basis of EVERYTHING is different.  I can’t even express how scary that is.  I know that I will be ok eventually and I don’t doubt that I will live  a happy life but that doesn’t make this any less scary and terrible right now.

I realize he can be pretty awful. February 8, 2008

I never realized, until having conversations with Glenn’s doctor, how horrible and manipulative he is sometimes.  She pointed it out in our conference call.  He does things like say “what do you mean lots of other people are working for me to get better?  Who?”  This is par for the course with Glenn so it didn’t even phase me.  His doctor was appalled at the level of disrespect that that showed for me.  He does it non stop.  As I guess is the case with most drug addicts, he never thinks about everyone else… or anyone else.  I think that he is able to behave the way he does because he refuses to acknowledge the fact that there are people who genuinely care about him.  If he was willing to do that it would be much harder to hurt everyone around him over and over and over.

I’m so sad.  As has been the situation all along, this situation is awful.  It was his birthday a couple days ago and I didn’t get to wish him a happy birthday.  It’s going to be Valentine’s Day in a couple days and I won’t get to talk to him then either.  I know that it is better for both of us right now.  That doesn’t make it any easier.

It’s out in the open February 5, 2008

I guess after writing about it here, I realized how big of a deal the way I am feeling is.  I couldn’t bring myself to call my mom up and tell her, so like a coward, I emailed her.  She called me right away and was/is so worried about me.  She found me a new psychologist who specializes in co-dependency.  I went and saw him today.  I felt like in my hour with him I accomplished more than with my other psychiatrist in months.  I’m going back tomorrow because he also is legitimately worried.  We are going to figure out a plan of action.

I had my conference call with Glenn and his doctor today.  It didn’t go so well.  They are recommending a three month after care program for him at a place that is essentially a half way house in Florida.  He wants nothing to do with it.  He won’t even consider it as an option.  He said he just wants to go to a 12 step program and see his psychiatrist regularly.  His exact words were “if this doesn’t work, I’ll do what ever you want.”  I am not willing to wait for another “if this doesn’t work” scenario to fail.  I told him that if he is unwilling to put himself in the best possible position to succeed then I am going to have to walk away.  Once I said that he said he wanted the conversation to be over.  So that was it.  He is only willing to do things his way and no other.  Obviously his way isn’t working.  His way almost killed him… a few times.