He had a posotive drug test May 30, 2008

Despite the fact that I have been sad about officially breaking up with Glenn, I know it is the right decision.  This was solidified in my mond when I spoke to his nce counselor this week.  I haven’t spoken to her in about two weeks so I haden’t recieved any updates.  The last I heard he was living in the halfway house on the grounds of the facility he did his inpatient at.  He had some freedom because he was supposed to get a job and was responsible for going to meetings.  He had family week last week and his father and step mother came down for the week.  His counselor said that they were under the impression that it went well.  Apparently last week they got a positive drug test on Glenn.  He is so adament that he didn’t use but it’s almost impossible to get a false posotive in the type of test they did.  They got an original posotive that showed an opiate in his system.  They analyzed it further and determined that it was a morphine derivitave that he took.  The more specific analysis is the one that doesn’t usually get false posotives.  They have moved him back to the highest level of care, which is inpatient where they are  monitored all the time. 

 

This is why I am glad that I did it.  I have spent nine years being optimistic and then getting disappointed and I don’t want to do it anymore.  I can’t do it anymore.  I plan on continuing to talk to his counselor and write to him if he writes to me but I am satisfied with my decision.  This does not make it any easier or less painful but it does make me feel better about it. 

 

 

Al-anan? April 5, 2008

So I was supposed to have my conference call with Glenn on Thursday to tell him that I couldn’t keep doing this.  I postponed it.  I’m just not ready to not have him in my life.  I’m not prepared to not hear from him at all. 

 

I wrote him a second letter.  I was a little more straight forward in the second one.  I guess I will see how he responds to that.  His counselor is very insistent that I find alanon or families anonymous meetings to go to.  I don’t have a good reason but I really really don’t want to. I just don’t feellike it will be beneficial… but what do I know until I try? 

A letter to Glenn in rehab. March 25, 2008

This is the first letter that I wrote to Glenn in rehab. 

Dear Glenn,

Hi baby!  I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure.  First of all, I miss you… madly.  I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that.  I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there.  I want you to recover so badly.  You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.

 I guess the next topic is the important one.  I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you.  I don’t think that is enough right now.  I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me.  Simply finding out that you were a heroin addict caused such a huge amount of turmoil for me, but it goes so far beyond that.  I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that every time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night for 2 weeks talking to you on the phone so that you don’t commit suicide or how terrible it is to be 2000 miles away making panicked phone calls to try and get you to a hospital before you bled to death.  These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me.  I’m a broken person.  At this point, I have nothing to give.  Not to you.  Not to anyone else. 

I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself.  I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that.  I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.

Glenn, I love you so much.  No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can.  I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible.  So here it is.

I love you so much.

Meg

I finally got a letter from him. March 24, 2008

So I received my first letter from Glenn.  It was short and to the point.  He apologised for all of the pain he has caused me… a few times.  He also said that he felt like he’s losing me and he wants me to make the right decision for me.  He asked that I let him know where I stand as honestly as I can. I appreciate the idea behind it but the whole letter was unmoving.

I’m going to have to write him back but it is hard to determine what to say.  I guess I just need to be clear about how much these last few months and maybe years have effected me emotionally.  I don’t think he understands what it feels like to think that everyday could be the last that you speak to someone before they commit suicide… for months, or how awful it feels to be 2ooo miles away and get a phone call while he is bleeding to death or even the simple fact of knowing that my boyfriend is a heroin addict.  There are so many more things that I could list but what they all come down to is that I am emotionally scarred from this situation and I don’t think that I can handle it anymore.  Those are the things I am going to tell him.  I will also tell him that I will be here for him through out his recovery no matter what happens.  I can’t tell him I don’t love him anymore because that would be so far from the truth.

A few days ago I referred to Glenn as my ex-boyfriend for the first time ever and it made me feel like I was going to throw up.  I hated it. 

He doesn’t know the whole story. March 21, 2008

Last night I went to bed thinking about why I avoided speaking to my father for so long.  I think another part of the reason that I was hesitant is because he doesn’t know the whole story.  He thinks that all of the drama surrounding Glenn is only related to his mental illness.  He knows nothing about the drugs.  This makes it so much harder to talk to him.  I don’t like lying and with out him knowing that I don’t have a choice.  My mom told me I should just tell him but I REALLY don’t want to.  We’ll see how it plays out.

Before I went to sleep last night I laid on my bed and cried for an hour.  I’m not the crying type but lately I can’t help it.  I feel like everyday I break in to more and more pieces.  I’m falling apart right along side my splintering life.  Despite the fact that I have a few amazing people in my life, I feel alone.  The most alone I have ever been.

I want my life to belong to me. March 1, 2008

I just recieved a packet of information from the rehab that Glenn is at.  I got so much angrier than is reasonable while I was reading through it.  I know that he is trying to get better and all but at this point I am so tired of dealing with this whole situation that I just don’t want to have to read 15 pages about Glenn’s treatment plan.  I don’t want to answer 5 pages of questions about Glenn’s addiction and how it has affected every area of his life and another 5 pages of questions about how Glenn’s addiction has affected every area of my life.  My whole fucking life is about Glenn.  I don’t even know if I exist outside of him.  He is everything that I have become.  We started dating when we were kids.  As we grew up, we became the people we are today with the other.  He is part of who I am.  But I just don’t want to do it any more.  I don’t want every breath I take to be about him.  I want my life to be mine, and no one elses. 

He is doing great! February 21, 2008

I didn’t write about my experience when I went to visit Glenn last weekend because I was unsure what to write.  I was there to do a family education program and only got to see Glenn for about 45 minutes in a family session with his counselor.  The instant he walked in I knew he was looking for a fight.  He was anticipating us bringing up the 3 month continuing care program in Florida.  As soon as it came up he went in to argument mode.  It was ridiculous.  He was saying that he had a bad experience so far with the facility he is at and he didn’t want to go to another place that was affiliated with it.  He swore he would go to another inpatient program that he chose.  Yeah right!  The three of us argued for a little while until, in true angry addict fashion, he stormed off.  I stayed and was speaking to his counselor on my own.  I had decided that was the last straw.  After about 15 minutes, he knocked on the door and came back in.  It was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen.  He walked in and said “I’m sorry for my behavior just now and I apologize for storming off like a 6 year old.  I got outside and I had a moment of clarity.  It was the first time since I have been in recovery that I was able to see myself and the situation through everyone elses eyes.  I will go to the aftercare program.”

 I was amazed.  It’s not like he had a couple of days to think about the things that were said and reconsider.  It was 15 minutes!  So we talked for a while and it was great.  The reason I was apprehensive about writing an entry about it is because it seemed to good to be true.  I expected him to change his mind about going and go back to the way he was.  Today I spoke to his counselor for the first time since Saturday and she said he has been doing amazing.  He is a model resident.  Apparently his moment of clarity was legitimate and long lasting.  He is even the community leader now, which means that he has to keep all the guys on schedule and moderate conflicts between them, etc.

It’s kind of amazing.  I have a difficult time getting to excited about it because I have been let down by him so many times but I am at least optimistic for the first time in a long while.

Going to see him. February 15, 2008

It’s strange that the post on here that I poured the most of myself into almost no one has read.  Go figure.  The letter I wrote to Glenn is what I am referring to.  I guess he read the letter this week.  Who knows how it made him feel.  I am going there tomorrow for a family education program.  We’ll see how that goes.

I realize he can be pretty awful. February 8, 2008

I never realized, until having conversations with Glenn’s doctor, how horrible and manipulative he is sometimes.  She pointed it out in our conference call.  He does things like say “what do you mean lots of other people are working for me to get better?  Who?”  This is par for the course with Glenn so it didn’t even phase me.  His doctor was appalled at the level of disrespect that that showed for me.  He does it non stop.  As I guess is the case with most drug addicts, he never thinks about everyone else… or anyone else.  I think that he is able to behave the way he does because he refuses to acknowledge the fact that there are people who genuinely care about him.  If he was willing to do that it would be much harder to hurt everyone around him over and over and over.

I’m so sad.  As has been the situation all along, this situation is awful.  It was his birthday a couple days ago and I didn’t get to wish him a happy birthday.  It’s going to be Valentine’s Day in a couple days and I won’t get to talk to him then either.  I know that it is better for both of us right now.  That doesn’t make it any easier.

It’s out in the open February 5, 2008

I guess after writing about it here, I realized how big of a deal the way I am feeling is.  I couldn’t bring myself to call my mom up and tell her, so like a coward, I emailed her.  She called me right away and was/is so worried about me.  She found me a new psychologist who specializes in co-dependency.  I went and saw him today.  I felt like in my hour with him I accomplished more than with my other psychiatrist in months.  I’m going back tomorrow because he also is legitimately worried.  We are going to figure out a plan of action.

I had my conference call with Glenn and his doctor today.  It didn’t go so well.  They are recommending a three month after care program for him at a place that is essentially a half way house in Florida.  He wants nothing to do with it.  He won’t even consider it as an option.  He said he just wants to go to a 12 step program and see his psychiatrist regularly.  His exact words were “if this doesn’t work, I’ll do what ever you want.”  I am not willing to wait for another “if this doesn’t work” scenario to fail.  I told him that if he is unwilling to put himself in the best possible position to succeed then I am going to have to walk away.  Once I said that he said he wanted the conversation to be over.  So that was it.  He is only willing to do things his way and no other.  Obviously his way isn’t working.  His way almost killed him… a few times.