Al-anan? April 5, 2008

So I was supposed to have my conference call with Glenn on Thursday to tell him that I couldn’t keep doing this.  I postponed it.  I’m just not ready to not have him in my life.  I’m not prepared to not hear from him at all. 

 

I wrote him a second letter.  I was a little more straight forward in the second one.  I guess I will see how he responds to that.  His counselor is very insistent that I find alanon or families anonymous meetings to go to.  I don’t have a good reason but I really really don’t want to. I just don’t feellike it will be beneficial… but what do I know until I try? 

I actually get to talk to him! March 28, 2008

I spoke to Glenn’s counselor yesterday about our relationship.  I told her that he wrote me a letter and asked me to be as honest as possible about where I stand.  We discussed it a little and I told her that I am uncomfortable telling him everything through a letter.  That’s not fair to either one of us.  We have been together for too long for that to be acceptable.  So I am going to get to speak to him when she calls me next week.  We are going to have a conference call of sorts.  I guess I am going to tell him that I have to step back until he gets himself clean and together and then we can see how things are.  They are saying that he will be there probably for at least another 90 days.  That means that if I wanted him to come to my college graduation he couldn’t.  That makes me sad, but whats new?  This whole situation has made me intensely sad since it started.

A letter to Glenn in rehab. March 25, 2008

This is the first letter that I wrote to Glenn in rehab. 

Dear Glenn,

Hi baby!  I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure.  First of all, I miss you… madly.  I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that.  I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there.  I want you to recover so badly.  You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.

 I guess the next topic is the important one.  I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you.  I don’t think that is enough right now.  I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me.  Simply finding out that you were a heroin addict caused such a huge amount of turmoil for me, but it goes so far beyond that.  I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that every time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night for 2 weeks talking to you on the phone so that you don’t commit suicide or how terrible it is to be 2000 miles away making panicked phone calls to try and get you to a hospital before you bled to death.  These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me.  I’m a broken person.  At this point, I have nothing to give.  Not to you.  Not to anyone else. 

I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself.  I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that.  I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.

Glenn, I love you so much.  No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can.  I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible.  So here it is.

I love you so much.

Meg

I finally got a letter from him. March 24, 2008

So I received my first letter from Glenn.  It was short and to the point.  He apologised for all of the pain he has caused me… a few times.  He also said that he felt like he’s losing me and he wants me to make the right decision for me.  He asked that I let him know where I stand as honestly as I can. I appreciate the idea behind it but the whole letter was unmoving.

I’m going to have to write him back but it is hard to determine what to say.  I guess I just need to be clear about how much these last few months and maybe years have effected me emotionally.  I don’t think he understands what it feels like to think that everyday could be the last that you speak to someone before they commit suicide… for months, or how awful it feels to be 2ooo miles away and get a phone call while he is bleeding to death or even the simple fact of knowing that my boyfriend is a heroin addict.  There are so many more things that I could list but what they all come down to is that I am emotionally scarred from this situation and I don’t think that I can handle it anymore.  Those are the things I am going to tell him.  I will also tell him that I will be here for him through out his recovery no matter what happens.  I can’t tell him I don’t love him anymore because that would be so far from the truth.

A few days ago I referred to Glenn as my ex-boyfriend for the first time ever and it made me feel like I was going to throw up.  I hated it. 

He doesn’t know the whole story. March 21, 2008

Last night I went to bed thinking about why I avoided speaking to my father for so long.  I think another part of the reason that I was hesitant is because he doesn’t know the whole story.  He thinks that all of the drama surrounding Glenn is only related to his mental illness.  He knows nothing about the drugs.  This makes it so much harder to talk to him.  I don’t like lying and with out him knowing that I don’t have a choice.  My mom told me I should just tell him but I REALLY don’t want to.  We’ll see how it plays out.

Before I went to sleep last night I laid on my bed and cried for an hour.  I’m not the crying type but lately I can’t help it.  I feel like everyday I break in to more and more pieces.  I’m falling apart right along side my splintering life.  Despite the fact that I have a few amazing people in my life, I feel alone.  The most alone I have ever been.

It’s one thing after another. March 20, 2008

Over the last two months I have inadvertently avoided speaking to my father.  It was not at all because I was upset or angry with him.  It was something so minor that I let get out of control.  Obviously, I have been having an awful time over the last few months… or years.  The last time my father emailed me he said “call me so we can talk about what you are going to do after you graduate.”  The prospect of having to have that conversation made me want to throw up.  I wasn’t avoiding him at all but the conversation I anticipated having. I didn’t plan to not answer the phone, it just happened.  I’m not sure what of, but I was scared.  The avoiding continued until it reached a point that I would have to explain myself at which point I just let it go.  It was stupid and I know that.  So last week I called him and left him a message that he never responded to.  I called again this week and he called back and left me a message.  I decided to call him on my way to work this morning.  That was a bad idea.

I knew from the moment he picked up the phone that he was seriously angry with me.  We had a few seconds of small talk but his voice was totally different than what it normally is.  Finally I told him that I wanted to apologize for going M.I.A. for a while and explained my reasoning.  What it came down to (or what it felt like it came down to) was that he didn’t care what the reason was.  My actions were simply “inexcusable”.  He said that my step mom was extremly hurt.  He said that she didn’t know if she wanted to come to my college graduation in May and neither did he.  What!?!?!  I can barely get through a day with out falling apart and now my dad is threatening to not come to my graduation.  That’s awesome. This is the reason that I don’t ever expect any one to understand what I’m going through or how I feel.  I don’t at all blame him for being hurt by it and even angry but I did expect him to be slightly more understanding.  It was only 2 1/2 months ago that I was visiting him and not sleeping at all so that I could talk to Glenn all night to make sure he didn’t commit suicide.  It was only 2 1/2 months ago that I was making panicked phone calls to try to get him to the hospital before he bled to death while my dad was in the car with me.  I just thought that he would be able to understand that I am hurting worse than I have ever hurt and maybe be able to put his anger aside.  Not so much.

This is one too many things for me.  I quit.

Single or not? March 18, 2008

A friend asked me a few days ago if I considered myself single or not.  I didn’t have an answer.  Like I have said many times in the past, the only thing I can do is walk away.  There is no other logical option but it’s hard to say “I am no longer with him.”  However, lately I have been actually trying to accept that idea.  I feel far more single than I ever have in the past.  I have started saying that I am single… and it hurts. 

I am having a really terrible time right now.  Everyday feels worst than the last.  I feel helpless,misguided, and out of control.  I don’t think I always realize it but I’m angry with everyone’s inability to understand what I am going through.  This is absolutely not their fault, but it is still extremely frustrating.  If I have to hear one more person say “you deserve so much better” or “you’ll be okay” I’m going to scream.  Telling me I deserve better is not helpful in this situation and telling me I will be ok is just plain unnecessary.  I have no doubt that whatever happens I will be fine, that does not however make it any easier for me to suffer through this situation.  It’s a little terrifying that I am relating to the way I felt before I cut my arm a few months ago.  It’s really hard for me to admit that but there it is.  It’s humiliating.  It’s embarrassing.  It’s demoralizing.

My weakness wants me to forget the bad and remember the good. March 10, 2008

The farther removed I get from the whole situation with Glenn, the more I am starting to minimize it.  Because nothing insanely painful and dramatic has happened in the last month, my brains automatic reaction is to forget.  Forget all of the hurt.  Forget all of the anger.  Forget all of the lies. 

That’s crazy.  There is no excuse for that.  I have had 9 years worth of experiences that tell me that idealizing the past is dumb, but it’s so easy to do.  It’s so easy for me to focus on the good things.  Despite everything, Glenn is the single funniest and smartest person I know and I love that about him.  The times we would go to the beach and I would bring something like a Harry Potter book and I would look over and see him reading a 1000 page book entitled “History of the Jews”.  Not because he’s Jewish or wants to convert, but because he was simply interested.  Or the time he got me a bedazzler and put it in my Easter basket (which was the best gift ever).  Or the many times we laughed until I had an asthma attack.  Those are the things that I can’t get out of my head…. and it hurts.  It hurts badly.  I miss him so intensely it feels like a physical sensation.  I hate it.  I know that as time goes on it will get less painful but for now it stinks.

I feel justified… but I still can’t do it. March 3, 2008

Someone who reads my blog regularly made a completely reasonable comment on my last post.  The comment was “what will it take for you to feel justified in leaving him?”  It’s an excellent question.  I do feel justified in leaving him.  The situation is just so damn awful.  I know that the only logical thing for me to do is to bail, but that doesn’t mean I can do it.  I am terrified.  I have spent all of my adult life thinking that I was going to marry him.  All of the sudden that is all changed, and I’m scared. 

Something else that I was speaking about with a friend today is that if after 9 tumultuous years I break up with him and then he gets better it will suck.  That’s just about the understatement of the year.  I know that the responses to that are going to be “if he gets better you can get back together.”  We all know that is easier said than done.

He is doing great! February 21, 2008

I didn’t write about my experience when I went to visit Glenn last weekend because I was unsure what to write.  I was there to do a family education program and only got to see Glenn for about 45 minutes in a family session with his counselor.  The instant he walked in I knew he was looking for a fight.  He was anticipating us bringing up the 3 month continuing care program in Florida.  As soon as it came up he went in to argument mode.  It was ridiculous.  He was saying that he had a bad experience so far with the facility he is at and he didn’t want to go to another place that was affiliated with it.  He swore he would go to another inpatient program that he chose.  Yeah right!  The three of us argued for a little while until, in true angry addict fashion, he stormed off.  I stayed and was speaking to his counselor on my own.  I had decided that was the last straw.  After about 15 minutes, he knocked on the door and came back in.  It was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen.  He walked in and said “I’m sorry for my behavior just now and I apologize for storming off like a 6 year old.  I got outside and I had a moment of clarity.  It was the first time since I have been in recovery that I was able to see myself and the situation through everyone elses eyes.  I will go to the aftercare program.”

 I was amazed.  It’s not like he had a couple of days to think about the things that were said and reconsider.  It was 15 minutes!  So we talked for a while and it was great.  The reason I was apprehensive about writing an entry about it is because it seemed to good to be true.  I expected him to change his mind about going and go back to the way he was.  Today I spoke to his counselor for the first time since Saturday and she said he has been doing amazing.  He is a model resident.  Apparently his moment of clarity was legitimate and long lasting.  He is even the community leader now, which means that he has to keep all the guys on schedule and moderate conflicts between them, etc.

It’s kind of amazing.  I have a difficult time getting to excited about it because I have been let down by him so many times but I am at least optimistic for the first time in a long while.