I spoke to Glenn’s counselor yesterday about our relationship. I told her that he wrote me a letter and asked me to be as honest as possible about where I stand. We discussed it a little and I told her that I am uncomfortable telling him everything through a letter. That’s not fair to either one of us. We have been together for too long for that to be acceptable. So I am going to get to speak to him when she calls me next week. We are going to have a conference call of sorts. I guess I am going to tell him that I have to step back until he gets himself clean and together and then we can see how things are. They are saying that he will be there probably for at least another 90 days. That means that if I wanted him to come to my college graduation he couldn’t. That makes me sad, but whats new? This whole situation has made me intensely sad since it started.
It’s one thing after another. March 20, 2008
Over the last two months I have inadvertently avoided speaking to my father. It was not at all because I was upset or angry with him. It was something so minor that I let get out of control. Obviously, I have been having an awful time over the last few months… or years. The last time my father emailed me he said “call me so we can talk about what you are going to do after you graduate.” The prospect of having to have that conversation made me want to throw up. I wasn’t avoiding him at all but the conversation I anticipated having. I didn’t plan to not answer the phone, it just happened. I’m not sure what of, but I was scared. The avoiding continued until it reached a point that I would have to explain myself at which point I just let it go. It was stupid and I know that. So last week I called him and left him a message that he never responded to. I called again this week and he called back and left me a message. I decided to call him on my way to work this morning. That was a bad idea.
I knew from the moment he picked up the phone that he was seriously angry with me. We had a few seconds of small talk but his voice was totally different than what it normally is. Finally I told him that I wanted to apologize for going M.I.A. for a while and explained my reasoning. What it came down to (or what it felt like it came down to) was that he didn’t care what the reason was. My actions were simply “inexcusable”. He said that my step mom was extremly hurt. He said that she didn’t know if she wanted to come to my college graduation in May and neither did he. What!?!?! I can barely get through a day with out falling apart and now my dad is threatening to not come to my graduation. That’s awesome. This is the reason that I don’t ever expect any one to understand what I’m going through or how I feel. I don’t at all blame him for being hurt by it and even angry but I did expect him to be slightly more understanding. It was only 2 1/2 months ago that I was visiting him and not sleeping at all so that I could talk to Glenn all night to make sure he didn’t commit suicide. It was only 2 1/2 months ago that I was making panicked phone calls to try to get him to the hospital before he bled to death while my dad was in the car with me. I just thought that he would be able to understand that I am hurting worse than I have ever hurt and maybe be able to put his anger aside. Not so much.
This is one too many things for me. I quit.
I’m going to take a mini break from life. March 16, 2008
I am graduating from college in 2 months (as long as I don’t continue letting things fall a apart) and I have been trying to figure out exactly what I want to do. I had planned to work for a company in Brooklyn that is a part of the company I already work for, but I was discussing this with my therapist and he had another suggestion. He said that his professional recommendation for me is to work for a while somewhere that will be like a break from life. He said this because I said I wanted to “drop out of life”. His suggestion was to work at a boat chartering company in St. Marten or something equivalent. It’s a great idea. I need a break soooooo badly there aren’t even words. When I started looking for jobs I stumbled on a few in various places like Egypt and Greece. Eventually my search led me to working on a cruise ship. My family is a lot happier about the idea of me working on a cruise ship than in Egypt. Because I have many years of retail experience and minors in both speech communication and marketing I am qualified for many of the jobs. Housing and food are included and the pay is decent. Contracts only last for 6 months at a time so if I hate it, I don’t have to keep doing it. I’m looking forward to it. It will give me a little extra time to figure things out. My life needs some straightening out.
