He is doing great! February 21, 2008

I didn’t write about my experience when I went to visit Glenn last weekend because I was unsure what to write.  I was there to do a family education program and only got to see Glenn for about 45 minutes in a family session with his counselor.  The instant he walked in I knew he was looking for a fight.  He was anticipating us bringing up the 3 month continuing care program in Florida.  As soon as it came up he went in to argument mode.  It was ridiculous.  He was saying that he had a bad experience so far with the facility he is at and he didn’t want to go to another place that was affiliated with it.  He swore he would go to another inpatient program that he chose.  Yeah right!  The three of us argued for a little while until, in true angry addict fashion, he stormed off.  I stayed and was speaking to his counselor on my own.  I had decided that was the last straw.  After about 15 minutes, he knocked on the door and came back in.  It was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen.  He walked in and said “I’m sorry for my behavior just now and I apologize for storming off like a 6 year old.  I got outside and I had a moment of clarity.  It was the first time since I have been in recovery that I was able to see myself and the situation through everyone elses eyes.  I will go to the aftercare program.”

 I was amazed.  It’s not like he had a couple of days to think about the things that were said and reconsider.  It was 15 minutes!  So we talked for a while and it was great.  The reason I was apprehensive about writing an entry about it is because it seemed to good to be true.  I expected him to change his mind about going and go back to the way he was.  Today I spoke to his counselor for the first time since Saturday and she said he has been doing amazing.  He is a model resident.  Apparently his moment of clarity was legitimate and long lasting.  He is even the community leader now, which means that he has to keep all the guys on schedule and moderate conflicts between them, etc.

It’s kind of amazing.  I have a difficult time getting to excited about it because I have been let down by him so many times but I am at least optimistic for the first time in a long while.

A little more history… December 29, 2007

Apparently someone is reading.  Thank you to the few people who responded to my last post.  It is always nice to know that even when your situation seems so unique and unbearable, there are not only people who understand it, but have successfully weathered it.  I don’t doubt that I will be able to get through all of these situations but I worry that my boyfriend may not be so lucky.  Everytime he has a major depressive episode it is far worse than the last.  I feel like everytime it is weakening his resolve to live.  This last episode, which just ended, he confided that the chances of him committing suicide were about 50/50.  That’s the worst it has ever been.  The episode before that it was 30/70, before that 20/80. What happens when it’s 53/47? Would that be enough to make him do it? It’s terrifying!This next bit of information I am sharing in hopes that someone will be able to relate.  His depressive episodes spark rampant drug use.  Everyone who doesn’t understand the situation assumes that drug abuse sparks the episodes, but it is just the opposite.  The worse he feels and the less his meds work, the more likely he is to go looking elsewhere to feel better, if only briefly.  It started with alcohol, then xanax, then methadone, then coke, and then heroine.  When he started heroine it was with the intention of committing suicide via overdose.  The first time he ever bought heroine he purchased 10 bags.  No one does that who is just trying to get high.  The day before he was admitted in to the psychiatric hospital this last time he made a mini-attempt to commit suicide.  He took 10 bags at one time.  Oddly enough he was fine.  He is now clean but I know that he will be drawn right back to it when he is feeling horrible the next time. 

I wish that I didn’t feel so helpless in this situation.  There is nothing that I want more in the world than for him to get healthy… if only I could help make that happen.

Goodnight!

Candid history December 24, 2007

So, since I don’t think anyone actually reads this, I will write candidly.  I have been dating my boyfriend for over eight years.  We met when we were teenagers and started dating when I was 16.  He’s amazing, brilliant, and hilarious.  He’s also severely bipolar.  Now  that he is in his mid-twenties it is in full swing.  It is so hard on him.  He has been on on medication regime after another just to have each fail.  I can’t imagine what that must feel like.  Not knowing if you will ever be able to live a normal life.  I do, however, know what it feels like for me.  I am completely and totally exhausted.  I want nothing more than to be able to help him live a healthy life where he can function at the level everyone knows he is capable of but I am so tired out I have little left to give.  I have almost nothing left to give to myself.  I struggle through my school semesters spending every second of my days thinking about ways that I can help him get better.  Nothing works and I’m just too tired to continue trying. He needs an inpatient program that can actually help him focus on getting completely stable.  He continues to do short stints in the hospital and then takes a bit of time off.  Shortly after he decideds  that he should enroll in classes again and that he will be able to do it this time.  I want more for him.  I want him to be better for more than a couple months at a time.  The problem with that is that he doesn’t have health insurance.  I have always thought that there were safety nets and programs available for people if they really needed them.  There aren’t.  We spent a week trying to get a doctor to refill his meds for him.  His psychiatrist through the hospital said she couldn’t fit him in for an appointment for almost a month and would not refill them with out a meeting.  The psychiatric hospital he was a patient at a month earlier also said they could not help and suggested we go to the emergency room.  When we were at the emergency room they said they would only give him 5 days worth and told hm that they would not do it again.  They told him they spoke to someone at the psychiatric hospital (yes the one we had just been to) and they said they would be able to help.  A few days later, armed with the name of the woman who could help, we went back.  Immediately when we got there we knew that once again we were going to have a problem.  We were told that they would see what hey could do and if they could make an exception.  As we waited we saw the psychiatrist that was his doctor the whole time he was inpatient walk in to the office and speak to the woman who was helping us.  Despite the fact that she had his file because he was a patient at the hospital, she said no.  Three hospital employees walked out in to the waiting area and said “I’m sorry, there is nothing we can do to help you.”  WHAT?! He isn’t simply on antidepressants.  He is on mood stabilizers, antipsychiotics, and a benzodiazapine.  These are people who everyday tell their patients how important it is to take their medication everyday and yet they CAN’T help us???  They are fully aware of the potential repercussions and still want nothing to do with helping.  I asked “ok, well if you can’t help us, what do we do?”  This was said with no ill intent.  I was asking a genuine question.  He looked at me and said “We don’t have any suggestions for you, but if you figure it out, let us know”!  I have never felt so helpless.  I was just told by the last possible option that there was nothing they could do.  This is part of the reason he can’t get better.