A letter to Glenn in rehab. March 25, 2008

This is the first letter that I wrote to Glenn in rehab. 

Dear Glenn,

Hi baby!  I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure.  First of all, I miss you… madly.  I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that.  I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there.  I want you to recover so badly.  You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.

 I guess the next topic is the important one.  I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you.  I don’t think that is enough right now.  I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me.  Simply finding out that you were a heroin addict caused such a huge amount of turmoil for me, but it goes so far beyond that.  I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that every time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night for 2 weeks talking to you on the phone so that you don’t commit suicide or how terrible it is to be 2000 miles away making panicked phone calls to try and get you to a hospital before you bled to death.  These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me.  I’m a broken person.  At this point, I have nothing to give.  Not to you.  Not to anyone else. 

I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself.  I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that.  I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.

Glenn, I love you so much.  No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can.  I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible.  So here it is.

I love you so much.

Meg

He is doing great! February 21, 2008

I didn’t write about my experience when I went to visit Glenn last weekend because I was unsure what to write.  I was there to do a family education program and only got to see Glenn for about 45 minutes in a family session with his counselor.  The instant he walked in I knew he was looking for a fight.  He was anticipating us bringing up the 3 month continuing care program in Florida.  As soon as it came up he went in to argument mode.  It was ridiculous.  He was saying that he had a bad experience so far with the facility he is at and he didn’t want to go to another place that was affiliated with it.  He swore he would go to another inpatient program that he chose.  Yeah right!  The three of us argued for a little while until, in true angry addict fashion, he stormed off.  I stayed and was speaking to his counselor on my own.  I had decided that was the last straw.  After about 15 minutes, he knocked on the door and came back in.  It was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen.  He walked in and said “I’m sorry for my behavior just now and I apologize for storming off like a 6 year old.  I got outside and I had a moment of clarity.  It was the first time since I have been in recovery that I was able to see myself and the situation through everyone elses eyes.  I will go to the aftercare program.”

 I was amazed.  It’s not like he had a couple of days to think about the things that were said and reconsider.  It was 15 minutes!  So we talked for a while and it was great.  The reason I was apprehensive about writing an entry about it is because it seemed to good to be true.  I expected him to change his mind about going and go back to the way he was.  Today I spoke to his counselor for the first time since Saturday and she said he has been doing amazing.  He is a model resident.  Apparently his moment of clarity was legitimate and long lasting.  He is even the community leader now, which means that he has to keep all the guys on schedule and moderate conflicts between them, etc.

It’s kind of amazing.  I have a difficult time getting to excited about it because I have been let down by him so many times but I am at least optimistic for the first time in a long while.

I wish I had the strength. February 3, 2008

He finally caled last night.  One of the first things out of his mouth was “you don’t sound very happy to talk to me.”  I was and still am conflicted.  For those of you who have bipolar and read this, please don’t judge me based on this, but I wish I had the strength and motivation to walk away.  I love him madly but it is impossible for this relationship to ever be healthy again.  Despite the fact that we have been together for so long, we aren’t married.  I don’t have it in me to walk away.  I love him but I know that both ways, staying or leaving, will be painful.  Somehow, I have become that girl.  The one who’s dating a drug addict. The one that people say “she has so much going for her.  I don’t know why she’s with him.”  I don’t know how that happened.  It used to be “hey, that’s the kid that has a full paid academic scholarship to college.”  Now he has dropped out.

Still no phone call. February 2, 2008

Knowing that Thursday was the first day that Glenn could call me was a little nerve racking for me.  Since I’m still fighting with what I am actually going to do, I was conflicted about whether I was going to answer the phone.  What it comes down to is that since it is now Saturday and he hasn’t decided to call me, I’m hurt.  I wasn’t even sure if I was going to talk to him and yet, I am still wounded by him not calling.  It leads me to think that maybe he is getting input from his counselors that maybe speaking to me isn’t the best idea.  But why?

I shouldn’t even be thinking about it.  He and I both should be focusing on ourselves and nothing else.  We both need to make our recovery our top and only priority.  So, I guess in the long run this is a lot better for both of us.  Still, despite all of the horribleness he has put me through, I miss him so much it hurts. 

Please read my last post (letter to glenn) January 29, 2008

For those of you that regularly read my blog, please read my last post.  I’m dying for someone to give me some feed back.  Any feed back.  I’m just not sure what to put in this letter.  Thanks

What about my recovery? January 28, 2008

My therapist is telling me that I should take this thirty day time span and not speak to Glenn.  Let him learn to take care of himself while he has a team of professionals around him.  And I should take this time to heal.  His therapist says I should be as involved in his recovery as possible.  I want to be involved but more than anything else I want to ask him what the fuck that message from the other girl was about.  I want to know what he has to say.  I don’t know if there is anything he could say that would actually make it ok.  After all, he is a drug addict and drug addicts survive by lying.  I told his therapist that I had some pretty heavy stuff I needed to talk to him about.  She said that for the sake of his recovery I should keep things light for a while.  What if I don’t want to?  What if his recovery isn’t going to be my first priority for a change.  Maybe I will actually make my own sanity my first priority. 

I’m so tired of being angry, upset, and exhausted and having to push that all to the side for “the sake of his recovery”.  What about my recovery? 

Are you serious?!?!? January 25, 2008

Again, like I said in an earlier post, I always think things can’t get worse.  At this point, with everything we have gone through together, I didn’t think anything could get worse with my boyfriend.  As has been the case for the last two years I was wrong again.  He is in SERIOUS debt.  Everyday he gets about 7 calls a day from credit card companies.  So, I know his passwords for pretty much everything (since they are almost all the same).  I figured while he was in the hospital/rehab I would go through and delete the messages for him so it doesn’t have to be the first thing he has to think about when he gets out.  He knows who he needs to pay and has all of the phone numbers so it shouldn’t be a big deal.  In process of deleting his messages I here a message from one of his female “friends”.  She is someone that I have been a little uncomfortable with for a while but I trust him.  The message changed that.  He told me a few days ago that he hadn’t talked to her in a few weeks.  Her message said (to summarize) “Hey hun, just wanted to make sure you didn’t forget about me.  I haven’t heard from you in a day or two.  Call me when you get home.  Alright, love you.”   Uhhhhh… I don’t even know what to say.  I would like to think that it was something platonic, but I didn’t get that sense.  The message sounded like it was from a girlfriend, something I would leave.  The idea that he is or was cheating on me is infuriating.  I have made so many sacrifices for him.  I have given him everything I have and this is what I get.  Welcome to my life.

Angry January 24, 2008

I feel fucked.  I feel backed in to a corner.  I feel lost and pathetic.  I’m just heading along until something comes to change that.  This whole situation with my boyfriend is out of control.  I have been more understanding about this whole thing than any normal person would have been.  I can’t imagine feeling so hopeless that you are willing to take up heroin because you think there is nothing you can do.  I have only felt helpless a few times in my life and it is a really horrendous emotion.  I know that his decisions aren’t made with the same logical thought that I, or most other people, would have but that doesn’t change the seriousness of them.  I have only told a few people about this and that’s because there is nothing to say.  As humans we talk about things with  others because we are looking for direction, guidance, opinions.  There is nothing to say about this situation that will be helpful to me at all.  The only logical response would be “RUN MEG, RUN” but that certainly isn’t helpful.

Things are finally starting to feel like they have the potential to get better.  I feel guilty because I’m angry.  Despite all of the reading I have done and everything I know about bipolar, I still can’t attribute all of the things he does to it.  I know that it is unreasonable but I take a lot of the things personally.  I feel like his drug use, which apparently has been much more rampant than I thought, is something he “did” to me.  It makes me feel like our relationship wasn’t reason enough for him to stop.  I feel like he made me look like a fool.  I know in the logical portion of my brain that that is ridiculous, but I can’t seem to help it. 

Hopeful but not confident… January 21, 2008

So, tomorrow is the big day.  He is finally leaving the short term facility to go to a long term place.  I’m not sure how I feel about it.  I was so happy he was going to get the help he needed but it appears at this point that he is going to a facility that focuses on rehab.  I know that he needs rehab services but I was hoping he would go somewhere that focused on mental illness and additionally had rehab services but the place he is going is exactly the opposite.  I am still optomistic that this will help him.  I guess we will see.

Finally January 16, 2008

He’s safe.  Atleast for now.  He is in a short term facillity for the next few days and then he is transfering to a long term place.  I’m so glad that he was willing to do this.  I know that, more than anything else, he is afraid that this won’t work.  Then what?  Does he resign himself to this being his life forever?  I don’t think that is somehting he is willing to do.  He deserves more than that from his life.  So do I.