Why do I have to accept my “higher power”? April 18, 2008

I went to a Families Anonymous meeting yesterday.  One of my best friends came with me.  She has a brother who is very similar to Glenn so it was good for her too.  It was nice to be around people that know what dealing with an addict is like.  I plan on at least going next week but I don’t feel like I am going to get anything out of it.  Even yesterday after the meeting so many people said “you are so far ahead of where I was when I joined the program.”  The other issue I have is that I don’t like how much of it revolves around God “as  you see him”.  At this point god is not part of my life and I am okay with that.  It’s difficult to accept everything else when that is an issue for me.  I was raised very religious and it was a horrible experience for me.  Life altering really.  I’m not prepared to have god in my life.

 

I spoke to Glenn’s counselor a few days ago.  Apparently the reason he has not responded to my letters is because he seems to think that I broke up with him.  That was not my intention but I am not going to correct it because I know it is something that I should do anyway.  I wanted him to hear and understand how awful this has been.  I wanted there to at least be some sort of dialog about the situation.  It seems like if he thought that I was breaking up with him, at the very least he wold have responded to acknowledge it.  His counselor said she was going to ask him why he hasn’t responded.  I guess if I don’t get a letter by the end of next week that will be the end of it.  She also said that they are tapering him off of all of his meds.  I expressed concern over that.  I have seen him not on his meds and it is horrible.  She made a great point though.  She pointed out that I have NEVER seen him not on his meds while he was clean and sober.  It is difficult for them to tell what his actual psychological state is.  They are going to take him off the meds and see how he does.  They will then reintroduce specific meds as they deem necessary.  I’m ok with that.  She also told me that they are recommending that he stay there until the end of the year.  I think it is the best idea ever but how in the world is that supposed to be paid for?  Maybe they have scholarships.

 

Not feeling so patient. April 16, 2008

I have waited patiently for Glenn to write a letter back to me.  I know that he received my letters 2 weeks ago and I am yet to hear from him.  Before he got those letters he was writing to me about 3 times a week and now nothing.  I am frustrated with that because I just want to hear his response.  I understand if he is hurt or sad about them but it isn’t really fair to never respond at all.  I guess I should not be all that surprised since his main concern has never been whats fair for me.  Maybe he is doing what he thinks is best for me.  It is possible that he thinks that walking away from the situation until he has more to give me is what would be the best thing for me to be able to heal.  Who knows what he is thinking.  Addiction and depression make it impossible to ever determine what he is thinking cause his thought patterns are so different than a healthy mind.

Feeling better April 12, 2008

I posted yesterday about how I am feeling remarkably good.  My depression has subsided to a very manageable level.  I know that this is for sure the case since today I not only sewed for a while but I also cleaned my apartment well for the first time in months.  When you are feeling awful it is so much easier to walk in to your house and walk past all of the mess and crawl in bed.  I’m glad that I dealt with most of it cause it makes me feel so much better and productive.  I forget how great the space I live in is when it’s not a disaster.  It’s awesome to be able to walk in to a light filled apartment that’s clean.

Mini update April 12, 2008

I didn’t think anyone would care to read the second letter I wrote to Glenn so I didn’t post it.  Now that I have been asked to post it I can’t remember exactly what I wrote.  I just know that I was more honest about the terrible spot I have been in.  I also told him that no matter how hard he tries, he will never understand the emotional scars that our relationship has caused.  I know for a fact he got those letters about 10 days ago and he hasn’t written back.  He was writing  every few days.  Apparently he is angry or hurt.  I understand that but I really want to know what he has to say about what I said.

 

Anyway,  over the last few months I have been more depressed than ever in my life.  I have been having a miserable time trying to do my daily tasks.  I finally went to the doctor to discuss maybe changing my meds.  In our discussions it came up that I am a vegetarian.  He said that there is a good chance that the lack of meat in my diet could be causing a lack of iron.  That can cause depression.  So, I switched my meds and started eating meat again and I feel remarkably better.  Because I did both at the same time it is difficult to say what is making the difference.  Whatever it is, I will take it!

Al-anan? April 5, 2008

So I was supposed to have my conference call with Glenn on Thursday to tell him that I couldn’t keep doing this.  I postponed it.  I’m just not ready to not have him in my life.  I’m not prepared to not hear from him at all. 

 

I wrote him a second letter.  I was a little more straight forward in the second one.  I guess I will see how he responds to that.  His counselor is very insistent that I find alanon or families anonymous meetings to go to.  I don’t have a good reason but I really really don’t want to. I just don’t feellike it will be beneficial… but what do I know until I try? 

I actually get to talk to him! March 28, 2008

I spoke to Glenn’s counselor yesterday about our relationship.  I told her that he wrote me a letter and asked me to be as honest as possible about where I stand.  We discussed it a little and I told her that I am uncomfortable telling him everything through a letter.  That’s not fair to either one of us.  We have been together for too long for that to be acceptable.  So I am going to get to speak to him when she calls me next week.  We are going to have a conference call of sorts.  I guess I am going to tell him that I have to step back until he gets himself clean and together and then we can see how things are.  They are saying that he will be there probably for at least another 90 days.  That means that if I wanted him to come to my college graduation he couldn’t.  That makes me sad, but whats new?  This whole situation has made me intensely sad since it started.

A letter to Glenn in rehab. March 25, 2008

This is the first letter that I wrote to Glenn in rehab. 

Dear Glenn,

Hi baby!  I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure.  First of all, I miss you… madly.  I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that.  I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there.  I want you to recover so badly.  You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.

 I guess the next topic is the important one.  I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you.  I don’t think that is enough right now.  I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me.  Simply finding out that you were a heroin addict caused such a huge amount of turmoil for me, but it goes so far beyond that.  I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that every time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night for 2 weeks talking to you on the phone so that you don’t commit suicide or how terrible it is to be 2000 miles away making panicked phone calls to try and get you to a hospital before you bled to death.  These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me.  I’m a broken person.  At this point, I have nothing to give.  Not to you.  Not to anyone else. 

I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself.  I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that.  I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.

Glenn, I love you so much.  No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can.  I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible.  So here it is.

I love you so much.

Meg

I finally got a letter from him. March 24, 2008

So I received my first letter from Glenn.  It was short and to the point.  He apologised for all of the pain he has caused me… a few times.  He also said that he felt like he’s losing me and he wants me to make the right decision for me.  He asked that I let him know where I stand as honestly as I can. I appreciate the idea behind it but the whole letter was unmoving.

I’m going to have to write him back but it is hard to determine what to say.  I guess I just need to be clear about how much these last few months and maybe years have effected me emotionally.  I don’t think he understands what it feels like to think that everyday could be the last that you speak to someone before they commit suicide… for months, or how awful it feels to be 2ooo miles away and get a phone call while he is bleeding to death or even the simple fact of knowing that my boyfriend is a heroin addict.  There are so many more things that I could list but what they all come down to is that I am emotionally scarred from this situation and I don’t think that I can handle it anymore.  Those are the things I am going to tell him.  I will also tell him that I will be here for him through out his recovery no matter what happens.  I can’t tell him I don’t love him anymore because that would be so far from the truth.

A few days ago I referred to Glenn as my ex-boyfriend for the first time ever and it made me feel like I was going to throw up.  I hated it. 

He doesn’t know the whole story. March 21, 2008

Last night I went to bed thinking about why I avoided speaking to my father for so long.  I think another part of the reason that I was hesitant is because he doesn’t know the whole story.  He thinks that all of the drama surrounding Glenn is only related to his mental illness.  He knows nothing about the drugs.  This makes it so much harder to talk to him.  I don’t like lying and with out him knowing that I don’t have a choice.  My mom told me I should just tell him but I REALLY don’t want to.  We’ll see how it plays out.

Before I went to sleep last night I laid on my bed and cried for an hour.  I’m not the crying type but lately I can’t help it.  I feel like everyday I break in to more and more pieces.  I’m falling apart right along side my splintering life.  Despite the fact that I have a few amazing people in my life, I feel alone.  The most alone I have ever been.

It’s one thing after another. March 20, 2008

Over the last two months I have inadvertently avoided speaking to my father.  It was not at all because I was upset or angry with him.  It was something so minor that I let get out of control.  Obviously, I have been having an awful time over the last few months… or years.  The last time my father emailed me he said “call me so we can talk about what you are going to do after you graduate.”  The prospect of having to have that conversation made me want to throw up.  I wasn’t avoiding him at all but the conversation I anticipated having. I didn’t plan to not answer the phone, it just happened.  I’m not sure what of, but I was scared.  The avoiding continued until it reached a point that I would have to explain myself at which point I just let it go.  It was stupid and I know that.  So last week I called him and left him a message that he never responded to.  I called again this week and he called back and left me a message.  I decided to call him on my way to work this morning.  That was a bad idea.

I knew from the moment he picked up the phone that he was seriously angry with me.  We had a few seconds of small talk but his voice was totally different than what it normally is.  Finally I told him that I wanted to apologize for going M.I.A. for a while and explained my reasoning.  What it came down to (or what it felt like it came down to) was that he didn’t care what the reason was.  My actions were simply “inexcusable”.  He said that my step mom was extremly hurt.  He said that she didn’t know if she wanted to come to my college graduation in May and neither did he.  What!?!?!  I can barely get through a day with out falling apart and now my dad is threatening to not come to my graduation.  That’s awesome. This is the reason that I don’t ever expect any one to understand what I’m going through or how I feel.  I don’t at all blame him for being hurt by it and even angry but I did expect him to be slightly more understanding.  It was only 2 1/2 months ago that I was visiting him and not sleeping at all so that I could talk to Glenn all night to make sure he didn’t commit suicide.  It was only 2 1/2 months ago that I was making panicked phone calls to try to get him to the hospital before he bled to death while my dad was in the car with me.  I just thought that he would be able to understand that I am hurting worse than I have ever hurt and maybe be able to put his anger aside.  Not so much.

This is one too many things for me.  I quit.