I spoke to Glenn’s counselor yesterday about our relationship. I told her that he wrote me a letter and asked me to be as honest as possible about where I stand. We discussed it a little and I told her that I am uncomfortable telling him everything through a letter. That’s not fair to either one of us. We have been together for too long for that to be acceptable. So I am going to get to speak to him when she calls me next week. We are going to have a conference call of sorts. I guess I am going to tell him that I have to step back until he gets himself clean and together and then we can see how things are. They are saying that he will be there probably for at least another 90 days. That means that if I wanted him to come to my college graduation he couldn’t. That makes me sad, but whats new? This whole situation has made me intensely sad since it started.
A letter to Glenn in rehab. March 25, 2008
This is the first letter that I wrote to Glenn in rehab.
Dear Glenn,
Hi baby! I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure. First of all, I miss you… madly. I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that. I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there. I want you to recover so badly. You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.
I guess the next topic is the important one. I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you. I don’t think that is enough right now. I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me. Simply finding out that you were a heroin addict caused such a huge amount of turmoil for me, but it goes so far beyond that. I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that every time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night for 2 weeks talking to you on the phone so that you don’t commit suicide or how terrible it is to be 2000 miles away making panicked phone calls to try and get you to a hospital before you bled to death. These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me. I’m a broken person. At this point, I have nothing to give. Not to you. Not to anyone else.
I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself. I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that. I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.
Glenn, I love you so much. No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can. I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible. So here it is.
I love you so much.
Meg
Single or not? March 18, 2008
A friend asked me a few days ago if I considered myself single or not. I didn’t have an answer. Like I have said many times in the past, the only thing I can do is walk away. There is no other logical option but it’s hard to say “I am no longer with him.” However, lately I have been actually trying to accept that idea. I feel far more single than I ever have in the past. I have started saying that I am single… and it hurts.
I am having a really terrible time right now. Everyday feels worst than the last. I feel helpless,misguided, and out of control. I don’t think I always realize it but I’m angry with everyone’s inability to understand what I am going through. This is absolutely not their fault, but it is still extremely frustrating. If I have to hear one more person say “you deserve so much better” or “you’ll be okay” I’m going to scream. Telling me I deserve better is not helpful in this situation and telling me I will be ok is just plain unnecessary. I have no doubt that whatever happens I will be fine, that does not however make it any easier for me to suffer through this situation. It’s a little terrifying that I am relating to the way I felt before I cut my arm a few months ago. It’s really hard for me to admit that but there it is. It’s humiliating. It’s embarrassing. It’s demoralizing.
I want my life to belong to me. March 1, 2008
I just recieved a packet of information from the rehab that Glenn is at. I got so much angrier than is reasonable while I was reading through it. I know that he is trying to get better and all but at this point I am so tired of dealing with this whole situation that I just don’t want to have to read 15 pages about Glenn’s treatment plan. I don’t want to answer 5 pages of questions about Glenn’s addiction and how it has affected every area of his life and another 5 pages of questions about how Glenn’s addiction has affected every area of my life. My whole fucking life is about Glenn. I don’t even know if I exist outside of him. He is everything that I have become. We started dating when we were kids. As we grew up, we became the people we are today with the other. He is part of who I am. But I just don’t want to do it any more. I don’t want every breath I take to be about him. I want my life to be mine, and no one elses.
He is doing great! February 21, 2008
I didn’t write about my experience when I went to visit Glenn last weekend because I was unsure what to write. I was there to do a family education program and only got to see Glenn for about 45 minutes in a family session with his counselor. The instant he walked in I knew he was looking for a fight. He was anticipating us bringing up the 3 month continuing care program in Florida. As soon as it came up he went in to argument mode. It was ridiculous. He was saying that he had a bad experience so far with the facility he is at and he didn’t want to go to another place that was affiliated with it. He swore he would go to another inpatient program that he chose. Yeah right! The three of us argued for a little while until, in true angry addict fashion, he stormed off. I stayed and was speaking to his counselor on my own. I had decided that was the last straw. After about 15 minutes, he knocked on the door and came back in. It was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen. He walked in and said “I’m sorry for my behavior just now and I apologize for storming off like a 6 year old. I got outside and I had a moment of clarity. It was the first time since I have been in recovery that I was able to see myself and the situation through everyone elses eyes. I will go to the aftercare program.”
I was amazed. It’s not like he had a couple of days to think about the things that were said and reconsider. It was 15 minutes! So we talked for a while and it was great. The reason I was apprehensive about writing an entry about it is because it seemed to good to be true. I expected him to change his mind about going and go back to the way he was. Today I spoke to his counselor for the first time since Saturday and she said he has been doing amazing. He is a model resident. Apparently his moment of clarity was legitimate and long lasting. He is even the community leader now, which means that he has to keep all the guys on schedule and moderate conflicts between them, etc.
It’s kind of amazing. I have a difficult time getting to excited about it because I have been let down by him so many times but I am at least optimistic for the first time in a long while.
I was appalled. February 21, 2008
I had the most appalling experience yesterday. I was having coffee with two friends and we stumbled on the topic of mental illness. One of my friends has had very similar experiences as me with bipolar and severe depression affecting people in her life. The other is 19 years old and has had some experience with what he calls mental illness. I do not mean for this to sound patronizing but what you go through at 16 is not the same type of mental illness as someone who is 25 or 35. When you are a teenager your body is going through a mini crisis which affects everything you think and do. So, we start talking about bipolar and he says “Bipolar shouldn’t be treated with medication.” I’m sorry, WHAT?!?! My other friend and I both stopped and stared at him him with the most confused looks on our faces. He proceeded to say that he thinks that ALL mental illness can be treated with therapy, willpower, exercises, and good diet. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Over and over he kept saying “I got over severe depression” or “my ex-girlfriend is schizophrenic and she’s not on any meds and doing great.” First of all, what you got over was NOT severe depression. It was a really terrible time contributed to by hormonal changes. Second, if she was diagnosed when she was young and now is just fine, she was probably misdiagnosed. He could not see outside of his own experience. He said crazy things like “if people wanted to get better and had quality doctors, they could.” SERIOUSLY?!?!
I know that this is a horrible thing to say but I hope that at some point in his life he is affected by SEVERE mental illness so that he can understand. I was so frustrated and disgusted that I ended up just exiting the conversation.
