Al-anan? April 5, 2008

So I was supposed to have my conference call with Glenn on Thursday to tell him that I couldn’t keep doing this.  I postponed it.  I’m just not ready to not have him in my life.  I’m not prepared to not hear from him at all. 

 

I wrote him a second letter.  I was a little more straight forward in the second one.  I guess I will see how he responds to that.  His counselor is very insistent that I find alanon or families anonymous meetings to go to.  I don’t have a good reason but I really really don’t want to. I just don’t feellike it will be beneficial… but what do I know until I try? 

I actually get to talk to him! March 28, 2008

I spoke to Glenn’s counselor yesterday about our relationship.  I told her that he wrote me a letter and asked me to be as honest as possible about where I stand.  We discussed it a little and I told her that I am uncomfortable telling him everything through a letter.  That’s not fair to either one of us.  We have been together for too long for that to be acceptable.  So I am going to get to speak to him when she calls me next week.  We are going to have a conference call of sorts.  I guess I am going to tell him that I have to step back until he gets himself clean and together and then we can see how things are.  They are saying that he will be there probably for at least another 90 days.  That means that if I wanted him to come to my college graduation he couldn’t.  That makes me sad, but whats new?  This whole situation has made me intensely sad since it started.

A letter to Glenn in rehab. March 25, 2008

This is the first letter that I wrote to Glenn in rehab. 

Dear Glenn,

Hi baby!  I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure.  First of all, I miss you… madly.  I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that.  I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there.  I want you to recover so badly.  You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.

 I guess the next topic is the important one.  I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you.  I don’t think that is enough right now.  I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me.  Simply finding out that you were a heroin addict caused such a huge amount of turmoil for me, but it goes so far beyond that.  I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that every time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night for 2 weeks talking to you on the phone so that you don’t commit suicide or how terrible it is to be 2000 miles away making panicked phone calls to try and get you to a hospital before you bled to death.  These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me.  I’m a broken person.  At this point, I have nothing to give.  Not to you.  Not to anyone else. 

I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself.  I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that.  I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.

Glenn, I love you so much.  No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can.  I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible.  So here it is.

I love you so much.

Meg

I finally got a letter from him. March 24, 2008

So I received my first letter from Glenn.  It was short and to the point.  He apologised for all of the pain he has caused me… a few times.  He also said that he felt like he’s losing me and he wants me to make the right decision for me.  He asked that I let him know where I stand as honestly as I can. I appreciate the idea behind it but the whole letter was unmoving.

I’m going to have to write him back but it is hard to determine what to say.  I guess I just need to be clear about how much these last few months and maybe years have effected me emotionally.  I don’t think he understands what it feels like to think that everyday could be the last that you speak to someone before they commit suicide… for months, or how awful it feels to be 2ooo miles away and get a phone call while he is bleeding to death or even the simple fact of knowing that my boyfriend is a heroin addict.  There are so many more things that I could list but what they all come down to is that I am emotionally scarred from this situation and I don’t think that I can handle it anymore.  Those are the things I am going to tell him.  I will also tell him that I will be here for him through out his recovery no matter what happens.  I can’t tell him I don’t love him anymore because that would be so far from the truth.

A few days ago I referred to Glenn as my ex-boyfriend for the first time ever and it made me feel like I was going to throw up.  I hated it. 

I feel justified… but I still can’t do it. March 3, 2008

Someone who reads my blog regularly made a completely reasonable comment on my last post.  The comment was “what will it take for you to feel justified in leaving him?”  It’s an excellent question.  I do feel justified in leaving him.  The situation is just so damn awful.  I know that the only logical thing for me to do is to bail, but that doesn’t mean I can do it.  I am terrified.  I have spent all of my adult life thinking that I was going to marry him.  All of the sudden that is all changed, and I’m scared. 

Something else that I was speaking about with a friend today is that if after 9 tumultuous years I break up with him and then he gets better it will suck.  That’s just about the understatement of the year.  I know that the responses to that are going to be “if he gets better you can get back together.”  We all know that is easier said than done.

I want my life to belong to me. March 1, 2008

I just recieved a packet of information from the rehab that Glenn is at.  I got so much angrier than is reasonable while I was reading through it.  I know that he is trying to get better and all but at this point I am so tired of dealing with this whole situation that I just don’t want to have to read 15 pages about Glenn’s treatment plan.  I don’t want to answer 5 pages of questions about Glenn’s addiction and how it has affected every area of his life and another 5 pages of questions about how Glenn’s addiction has affected every area of my life.  My whole fucking life is about Glenn.  I don’t even know if I exist outside of him.  He is everything that I have become.  We started dating when we were kids.  As we grew up, we became the people we are today with the other.  He is part of who I am.  But I just don’t want to do it any more.  I don’t want every breath I take to be about him.  I want my life to be mine, and no one elses. 

He is doing great! February 21, 2008

I didn’t write about my experience when I went to visit Glenn last weekend because I was unsure what to write.  I was there to do a family education program and only got to see Glenn for about 45 minutes in a family session with his counselor.  The instant he walked in I knew he was looking for a fight.  He was anticipating us bringing up the 3 month continuing care program in Florida.  As soon as it came up he went in to argument mode.  It was ridiculous.  He was saying that he had a bad experience so far with the facility he is at and he didn’t want to go to another place that was affiliated with it.  He swore he would go to another inpatient program that he chose.  Yeah right!  The three of us argued for a little while until, in true angry addict fashion, he stormed off.  I stayed and was speaking to his counselor on my own.  I had decided that was the last straw.  After about 15 minutes, he knocked on the door and came back in.  It was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen.  He walked in and said “I’m sorry for my behavior just now and I apologize for storming off like a 6 year old.  I got outside and I had a moment of clarity.  It was the first time since I have been in recovery that I was able to see myself and the situation through everyone elses eyes.  I will go to the aftercare program.”

 I was amazed.  It’s not like he had a couple of days to think about the things that were said and reconsider.  It was 15 minutes!  So we talked for a while and it was great.  The reason I was apprehensive about writing an entry about it is because it seemed to good to be true.  I expected him to change his mind about going and go back to the way he was.  Today I spoke to his counselor for the first time since Saturday and she said he has been doing amazing.  He is a model resident.  Apparently his moment of clarity was legitimate and long lasting.  He is even the community leader now, which means that he has to keep all the guys on schedule and moderate conflicts between them, etc.

It’s kind of amazing.  I have a difficult time getting to excited about it because I have been let down by him so many times but I am at least optimistic for the first time in a long while.

Going to see him. February 15, 2008

It’s strange that the post on here that I poured the most of myself into almost no one has read.  Go figure.  The letter I wrote to Glenn is what I am referring to.  I guess he read the letter this week.  Who knows how it made him feel.  I am going there tomorrow for a family education program.  We’ll see how that goes.

My conclusion. February 13, 2008

I keep trying to write new posts but it isn’t working out for me.  I realize that I don’t really have anything worth writing about.  There is nothing actively happening in my life.  I’m just quietly waiting for this situation to resolve.  I think the conclusion that I have come to is that no matter what he decides to do, I can not stay with him.  There is too much hurt, resentment, and anger.  I don’t want to have to carry that around with me.  He and I both need a fresh start.  We have been together since we were just kids.  We have become the adults we are because of each other.  As much as I have enjoyed much of our time and growth, I need and want to develop outside of him.  Who knows, maybe I’ll like the me with out him better.

I was speaking about this situation today and I realized that part of the reason I hate this situation so much is because I have no control over anything.  I have been forced in to a situation where all of my options are terrible.  When I really look at the situation I don’t even think that I can logically say that I even have two options.  It’s unreasonable to think that staying with him is even viable.  I hate that.  Since I was about 17 my life has been all set.  I was going to finish school, marry Glenn, and get a good job.  I was happy with that.  It’s really hard and terrifying to think that everything I thought my life was going to be has changed.  The basis of EVERYTHING is different.  I can’t even express how scary that is.  I know that I will be ok eventually and I don’t doubt that I will live  a happy life but that doesn’t make this any less scary and terrible right now.

I realize he can be pretty awful. February 8, 2008

I never realized, until having conversations with Glenn’s doctor, how horrible and manipulative he is sometimes.  She pointed it out in our conference call.  He does things like say “what do you mean lots of other people are working for me to get better?  Who?”  This is par for the course with Glenn so it didn’t even phase me.  His doctor was appalled at the level of disrespect that that showed for me.  He does it non stop.  As I guess is the case with most drug addicts, he never thinks about everyone else… or anyone else.  I think that he is able to behave the way he does because he refuses to acknowledge the fact that there are people who genuinely care about him.  If he was willing to do that it would be much harder to hurt everyone around him over and over and over.

I’m so sad.  As has been the situation all along, this situation is awful.  It was his birthday a couple days ago and I didn’t get to wish him a happy birthday.  It’s going to be Valentine’s Day in a couple days and I won’t get to talk to him then either.  I know that it is better for both of us right now.  That doesn’t make it any easier.